Some movies you just have to see to believe. And then there’s those you can’t believe even after you’ve seen ‘em. You stagger around your mom’s basement in a stupor. Eyes bleeding, you scour the floor for empty rubbing alcohol bottles so you can reassure yourself that what you’ve just witnessed wasn’t real, that it only some horrible chemical induced hallucination. Rhinestone (1984), the story of how Dolly Parton trains Sylvester Stallone to be the next country music sensation, is one of those movies. It’s not a hallucination. It’s all too real.
The evil Count Zarth Arn has secretly constructed the ultimate space weapon. The son of the Emperor of the Universe has mysteriously disappeared. And only sultry space smuggler Stella Star, her selectively psychic co-pilot, and a misogynist robot gunslinger with a Texan accent can save the day. No, seriously. I’m not making this up.
Luigi Cozzi’s Starcrash is more than just another Star Wars rip-off from the sci-fi boom of the ‘70s and ‘80s. It’s a quirky marriage of European and American pulp sensibilities. It’s a loving tribute to Barbarella, Ray Harryhausen, and the space adventure serials of the ‘30s. It’s an oft derided and misunderstood mini masterpiece of Euro-exploitation cinema. Continue reading
Edgar Rice Burroughs’ novel “A Princess of Mars” (1912) is a steampunk sword-and-sandal masterpiece. It’s the classic tale of John Carter, a Confederate soldier who astral-projects himself to Mars, becomes a superhero, and hooks up with the hottest babe in the multiverse. It’s the ultimate in juvenile escapist fantasy. At age 13 I read a musty 300+ page first edition in one sitting. I may have given myself a bladder infection in the process, but it was totally worth it.
For the past century this pulp masterwork has been the elusive Holy Grail of film adaptations. Countless filmmakers, including Looney Tunes animator Bob Clampett, famed stop-motion animator Ray Harryhausen (Jason and the Argonauts), and Jon Favreau (Elf) have made several attempts at filming a “Princess of Mars” movie and failed miserably. But in 2012, with the (disastrous) release of John Carter, Pixar vet Andrew Stanton (Wall-E) and screenwriter Michael Chabon (Wonder Boys, “The Adventures of Kavalier and Clay”) were the first to bring Burrough’s interstellar adventure to the big screen. Or were they?
In 2009, The Asylum, purveyors of such notorious bargain basement “mockbusters” as Transmorphers and Snakes on a Train, released Princess of Mars. This is a rare instance where an Asylum rip-off came out years before its big budget counterpart. But more importantly – and it disgusts me to my core to write this – this means that The Asylum achieved what Clampett, Harryhausen, and many of the greatest filmmakers in history could not. The Asylum successfullyfilmed one of the most eagerly anticipated film adaptations in history. Please excuse me while I wipe the vomit from my mouth.
Lee Vincent (Jon Hamm) is a struggling B-movie actor and single dad. Once an Oscar-nominated thespian, the only starring roles Vincent can get these days are in schlockbusters like Dr. Frankenstein M.D. and Wolfman of Alcatraz. While shooting the SyFy Channel production of The Mummy vs. the Giant Glob, Vincent somehow drowns in a swamp while wearing his mummy costume. He’s then miraculously resurrected by a stray bolt of lightning, and the undead Vincent must now rescue his kids from the clutches of his rich, ruthless father-in-law (Robert Loggia). Meanwhile, another stray bolt of lightning hits the silicone gel used for the Glob effects, bringing it to life, and the Glob consumes everything in its path. Can Mummy Daddy save his kids? And Cleveland? And make a SyFy film that doesn’t suck?
As seen on Fun Time Internet
From Razzie Award-winning director Uwe Boll and the producers of the Twilight Saga comes the romantic story of Adolf Hitler’s rise to power. Taylor Lautner (Twilight, The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl in 3D) gives an inspired performance as the hunky Hitler, a young struggling artist whose career is going nowhere. What Adolf needs is a muse, and she appears in the form of the beautiful (and Jewish) Rivka, played by Amanda Seyfried (Mamma Mia!, Chloe), the woman who would break his heart and shape the fate of Europe forever.
As seen on Fun Time Internet
Care Bears: Carepocalypse
Three billion human lives ended on August 29th, 2018. Not even Earth’s sworn protectors, the Care Bears, could quell the combined forces of Dr. Fright, Sour Sam, Cold Heart, and Dark Heart, under the leadership of No Heart. Those consumed by No Heart’s “Cloud of Uncaring” were transformed into mindless zombies, minions of the Dark Lord’s Army of Shadows. With no caring left in the world to power their tummy symbols, the few Care Bears that survived the War of Caring were forced into hibernation. The remaining Care Bear Cousins were cryogenically frozen with Cold Heart’s freezing machine and buried deep within the earth’s crust.
2059 A.D.. No Heart reigns supreme. All forms of caring are outlawed. The scattered remnants of humanity who still value caring live deep below the surface of the scorched Earth. The Care Bears are now regarded as myth and legend, the stuff of children’s stories. But one young freedom fighter (TRON Legacy’s Garrett Hedlund) unwittingly wakes the ursine saviors from their slumber… and they are pissed! Get ready for a lesson in caring!
Directed by Paul Verhoeven (RoboCop, Total Recall, Starship Troopers, Showgirls) and written by Alex Garland (28 Days Later, Sunshine, Halo). Featuring an all-star cast including Matt Damon as Tenderheart Bear, Jeff Bridges as Braveheart Lion, Mark Wahlberg as Champ Bear, Natalie Portman as Cheer Bear, Meryl Streep as Gramps Bear, Bill Murray as Grumpy Bear, Steve Buscemi as Beastly, Anne Hathaway as Shreeky, and Daniel Day-Lewis as No Heart.
As seen on Fun Time Internet
Jenga: The Movie
High rise construction sites across America are being destroyed by a growing underground criminal element. Hotshot FBI agent Billy Idaho (Chris Pine) is sent undercover to investigate. What he discovers is the most dangerous urban extreme sport since parkour… Jenga. The game’s participants sneak onto construction sites at night, commandeer cranes, and take turns removing a block (or beam) from the bottom (or middle) of the unfinished building and placing it on top—until the building collapses. Billy gains the trust of the most infamous band of thrill-seeking Jenga players, the “Block Busters”, headed by the charismatic Johnny Lawless (Val Kilmer). The FBI’s investigation starts to fall apart like so many Jenga blocks as Billy questions his loyalty to the agency while simultaneously falling for Johnny’s common-law wife Crystal Mystique (Jessica Biel). Meanwhile Johnny plans the most ambitious Jenga game yet at the construction site of the world’s tallest tower in Dubai.
Co-starring Denzel Washington as Senior FBI Agent Onyx Ebony and Jean Reno as French INTERPOL Agent François “Frenchy” Français.
As seen on Fun Time Internet.
My new review of NICK FURY: AGENT OF S.H.I.E.L.D (1998) is now online at Fun Time Internet.
To commemorate the theatrical release of Marvel’s The Avengers, I thought I’d take a look back to a time when Marvel’s movies were the proverbial red haired middle child compared to DC’s mega hit Superman (1978-1987) and Batman (1989-1997) franchises.
This low budget TV movie stars David Hasselhoff(?!) as the cynical cyclopean super spy. As a movie, it’s an utter failure. But as a backdoor pilot , its surprisingly successful. I wish we could’ve lived in a world where Hasselhoff fought neo-Nazi super villains every week on basic cable. But instead we got “Baywatch Nights.”
Check out my full review here.