To those considering watching this failed attempt at horror comedy, don’t bother. To those involved in the making of this so-called film, don’t bother! Don’t bother making any more films. Don’t bother watching any more films. Don’t even bother watching YouTube. It’ll just give you jerks more ideas. More terrible, terrible ideas. Continue reading
Originally posted on Fun Time Internet on May 13, 2009.
The Conqueror recounts the epic tale of Temujin, a 12th-century Mongol warlord, and his rise to power to become Genghis Khan, ruler of the largest land empire in history. The film is shot in glorious Technicolor and breathtaking panoramic CinemaScope. The action is rousing. The soundtrack is suitably sweeping. The screenplay is full of Shakespearean dialogue. The lead male and female actors are both Oscar winners at the peak of their careers.
With all these things going for it, how could this film not be a critical and financial success? I’ve got five words for ya:
JOHN WAYNE IS GENGHIS KHAN!
Originally posted on Fun Time Internet on June 9, 2009
I had sky-high expectations when I borrowed a battered VHS copy of this movie from my local public library. The ad copy on the tape case promised me the world— “swift and deadly kung fu revenge”, “[a] movie all Bruce Lee fans will want to see again and again.” But what really sold me were two words: “Chuck Norris.” I immediately scooped it up, mistaking it for Return of the Dragon, the only movie in which Lee and Norris officially co-star. Return famously features a 17-minute fight between Norris and Lee in the Roman Coliseum, widely regarded as one of the best martial arts duels in movie history. What I got instead was one of the most shamelessly bad cash-ins in movie history. Once again I’ve been foiled by ad copy! Continue reading
Originally posted on Fun Time Internet on April 19, 2009.
Tagline: “When a girl has a heart of stone, there’s only one way to melt it. Just add Ice.”
1991 was a big year for Vanilla Ice. His debut album To The Extreme was the best selling hip-hop album of all time. After dominating the early ’90s rap scene (a period I like to call the “Ice Age”) he set his sights on the silver screen. He famously freestyled the immortal “Ninja Rap” in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze. Not content to share the screen with a band of animatronic Muppets, the Ice-Man quickly followed this with Cool as Ice, a hip hop mashup of Rebel Without a Cause and Footloose. It was Ice’s first and, thankfully, last starring role.
Welcome to LACKLUSTER VIDEO, a retrospective review of B- and Z-grade cinematic stinkers, infamous bombs and forgotten trash. I’ll also review the occasional underrated classic and obscure gem, just to prove I’m not a hate-filled troll. My name is Bo Swidersky, resident film critic for Fun Time Internet, and I’ll be your guide down the dank and dingy depths of movie mediocrity. I love terrible movies. And I love forcing other people to watch them. Most would call that sadistic, but I call it… yeah, I guess it is pretty sadistic.
Speaking of sadism, legendary director Stanley Kubrick reportedly watched any and every film he could get his hands on – good or bad, especially the bad as they served as a textbook case of what not to do. In that case, it’s time to buy up some binders and Bic’s, I’ll start posting reviews in a couple of days.