Originally posted on Fun Time Internet on April 19, 2009.
Tagline: “When a girl has a heart of stone, there’s only one way to melt it. Just add Ice.”
1991 was a big year for Vanilla Ice. His debut album To The Extreme was the best selling hip-hop album of all time. After dominating the early ’90s rap scene (a period I like to call the “Ice Age”) he set his sights on the silver screen. He famously freestyled the immortal “Ninja Rap” in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze. Not content to share the screen with a band of animatronic Muppets, the Ice-Man quickly followed this with Cool as Ice, a hip hop mashup of Rebel Without a Cause and Footloose. It was Ice’s first and, thankfully, last starring role.
This vanity project opens with a thumping dance sequence blatantly ripping off the opening credits to Do the Right Thing (1989). In a post-apocalyptic-themed dance club, Vanilla Ice wins the ladies over with rad rappin’ skillz and erratic seizure-inspired dance moves.
After a long night of lyrical supremacy, the Ice-Man convinces a bra-as-outerwear wearing hottie to give him her phone number.
Then Ice and his hardcore homies hop aboard their day-glo neon motorcycles and ride off in search of another town and another dilapidated discotheque in which to subject innocent audiences to their sonic crimes.
But, wait! V-Ice has another crime in mind. Spotting an innocent young woman on a horse, this badass honky-homeboy attempts to add murder to his already lengthy rap sheet. Description doesn’t do this scene justice. Witness this cinematic crime in progress:
Realizing she’s not dead, Vanilla plays it off as an accident, asking if she’s okay. The girl responds by punching him in the kidney. Now that’s what I call breaking the Ice!
After the girl leaves (lest he make another attempt on her life), Ice puts this moment into perspective: “Yup yup, she likes me.” Now that’s what I call playing it cool… as Ice!
The Ice Squad’s reign of terror takes them to suburbia where old men and boy scouts stare mouth-agape in horror at their flamboyant fashion sense.
While driving through this town of future victims, Ice’s homeboy, Jazz, complains that his neon green and black zebra striped bike “be trippin.’” “What a hoopty,” laments Princess, the group’s token female. Fortunately the party posse pass the house of an old couple with even worse taste than them. The ZANY couple that lives there offers to repair the trippin’ hoopty. But instead they completely disassemble it, forcing the biker bros (and biker ho) to stay at this creepy horror house until it’s fixed. Isn’t that the plot of Misery?
But then, as fate (i.e. plot contrivances) would have it, Ice spots his equestrian victim drive by in a white convertible. The car stops at a house across the street, where Ice’s dream victim is let out by her boyfriend. Ice swaggers over for Round Two.
Overhearing the girl’s name to be Kathy, the self-proclaimed “lyrical warrior” (or as he’d say, “leer’cal woah’yah”) addresses her as “Kat.” You know, ‘cause it’s short and monosyllabic. Like “bitch.” This fails to melt her fickle heart. She’s probably still sore about the attempted murder. “Kat’s” douchey boyfriend Nick tells him off. Vanilla fights back by delivering one of the most jaw-droppingly awesome pick-up lines/insults in the history of human history:
Oh snap! “Drop that zero and get wit’ the hero.”
While Nick is still dumbfounded, Ice slams him with another verbal cock-punch:
ICE: See you later, dick.
NICK: It’s Nick.
ICE: Oh yeah, yeah. NICK.
Ice returns from “chillin’ wit’ Kat” (nice ice pun, Ice) to reveal that that whole scene was just a diversion so he could steal her organizer. “Looky looky looky in Kat’s black booky.” The rhymes never stop with this guy. He’s a regular 24/7 Poet Laureate of the People.