We then see some longhaired goon murder Theodore Rex with an exploding robot butterfly at a place called the Carnival Graveyard. (Is that where carnivals go to die?) But unfortunately that’s not the end of the movie. It was all just some nightmare Teddy was having. Teddy (he’s NEVER referred to as Theodore) then gets a call from police dispatch informing him of a “dinocide” at the Carnival Graveyard. Turns out all dinosaurs have the “Shining.” I am not making this up. They never bother to explain this psychic ability or explain what the heck a “Carnival Graveyard” is. Or explain why the dinosaurs are human-sized, wear clothing, and can speak.
The dinocide victim, Oliver Rex, just happens to look exactly like Teddy. Maybe its because they’re both cloned from the same dead dino. They never bother to explain. My guess is that it was just cheaper to use the same animatronic puppet suit for both characters.
Which brings us to Oliver’s girlfriend, Molly Rex:
She looks like Teddy in drag! Even more disturbing is that her character is a Mae West impersonator. The bawdy 1930s comedienne was famous for her racy material, typified by her famous catchphrase, “A hard man is good to find.” And they include a character like this in a kids’ movie?!
To make matters worse, I used to think Mae West was really a man in drag.
Teddy and his dino-hating (specist?) partner Katie Coltraine (Goldberg) catch Molly’s Jessica Rabbit-esque floor show at the “dinos only” Extinct Species Club. Randy animatronic lizards, most noticeably Teddy, moan, groan and stroke their tails in approval of Molly’s act. It’s a furry’s dream come true.
Teddy, please! Not in front of the children!
Meanwhile Goldberg gets hit on by several horny (literally and figuratively) dinosaurs. Teddy assures her that it’s normal for male dinosaurs to have the hots for “soft skins.” Just when I thought I’d seen it all: A kids’ film that advocates bestiality.
Last time I trust PlentyOfFish.com!
To try to make further sense of the plot would be an act in futility. There’s a precocious kid who does absolutely nothing to advance the story. He keeps trying to hook Whoopi up with his widower father. But we never meet his father, so that plot goes absolutely nowhere. The kid is eventually kidnapped by the bad guys and has to share a cell with a chimp. Does the chimp help him escape? Fuck no! That would require money and training and effort on the part of the filmmakers. When Whoopi finally rescues the kid, she asks him, “Who’s your friend?” to which he says, “Aw, I just met him over there.” The chimp. Does. NOTHING!
The boy just realized that the chimp was peeing on him.
While all the animatronic dinos look fantastic when static, their flaws are painfully obvious as soon as they start to move. In one scene Whoopi and Teddy come face to face with a bomb only seconds from exploding. And they both SLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWLY walk away. Backwards. And the bomb destroys the whole warehouse. Why the fuck didn’t they run? Probably ‘cause the dino suit wouldn’t let the wearer move any faster than a few baby steps at a time. Teddy moves so slowly and awkwardly that the guy in the suit must’ve suffered permanent neck and spine damage.
And I haven’t even mentioned Teddy’s personality yet. Just imagine Jim Carrey, Robin Williams, and Rich Little. Now imagine someone doing the worst impersonations of these comedians imaginable. Now throw in some dated 90s catchphrases (“I’m too sexy for my clothes!”) and lots of fart related jokes (“I didn’t BUTT TRUMPET!”).
For all my nay-saying and pooh-poohing, this concept could have actually made a good film. Theodore Rex’s writer-director Jonathan R. Betuel wrote the screenplay to The Last Starfighter (1984), a film no less absurd but much better executed. Rex had the potential to be a self-reflexive pastiche of both film noir and sci-fi. It could’ve actually been a brilliant piece of trash. But dinosaurs were huge with kids in the mid ‘90s and New Line sought to milk that kiddie cash cow for all it’s worth. And that resulted in a film that’s too intense (not to mention too sexually charged) for young kids and too childish for anyone over 8 years old. I suspect Betuel’s original script was much darker, more mature, and a whole heck of a lot less farty.
My Rating
½ a Butt Trumpet out of 5
Originally posted on Fun Time Internet on December 8, 2009
Lackluster Video 