The Gritty CARE BEARS Reboot You’ve All Been Waiting For!

Care Bears: Carepocalypse

Three billion human lives ended on August 29th, 2018. Not even Earth’s sworn protectors, the Care Bears, could quell the combined forces of Dr. Fright, Sour Sam, Cold Heart, and Dark Heart, under the leadership of No Heart. Those consumed by No Heart’s “Cloud of Uncaring” were transformed into mindless zombies, minions of the Dark Lord’s Army of Shadows. With no caring left in the world to power their tummy symbols, the few Care Bears that survived the War of Caring were forced into hibernation. The remaining Care Bear Cousins were cryogenically frozen with Cold Heart’s freezing machine and buried deep within the earth’s crust.

2059 A.D.. No Heart reigns supreme. All forms of caring are outlawed. The scattered remnants of humanity who still value caring live deep below the surface of the scorched Earth. The Care Bears are now regarded as myth and legend, the stuff of children’s stories. But one young freedom fighter (TRON Legacy’s Garrett Hedlund) unwittingly wakes the ursine saviors from their slumber… and they are pissed! Get ready for a lesson in caring!

Directed by Paul Verhoeven (RoboCop, Total Recall, Starship Troopers, Showgirls) and written by Alex Garland (28 Days Later, Sunshine, Halo). Featuring an all-star cast including Matt Damon as Tenderheart Bear, Jeff Bridges as Braveheart Lion, Mark Wahlberg as Champ Bear, Natalie Portman as Cheer Bear, Meryl Streep as Gramps Bear, Bill Murray as Grumpy Bear, Steve Buscemi as Beastly, Anne Hathaway as Shreeky, and Daniel Day-Lewis as No Heart.

As seen on Fun Time Internet

My Joke Pitch For A Fake JENGA Movie Makes More Sense Than The Real BATTLESHIP Movie

Jenga: The Movie

High rise construction sites across America are being destroyed by a growing underground criminal element. Hotshot FBI agent Billy Idaho (Chris Pine) is sent undercover to investigate. What he discovers is the most dangerous urban extreme sport since parkour… Jenga. The game’s participants sneak onto construction sites at night, commandeer cranes, and take turns removing a block (or beam) from the bottom (or middle) of the unfinished building and placing it on top—until the building collapses. Billy gains the trust of the most infamous band of thrill-seeking Jenga players, the “Block Busters”, headed by the charismatic Johnny Lawless (Val Kilmer). The FBI’s investigation starts to fall apart like so many Jenga blocks as Billy questions his loyalty to the agency while simultaneously falling for Johnny’s common-law wife Crystal Mystique (Jessica Biel). Meanwhile Johnny plans the most ambitious Jenga game yet at the construction site of the world’s tallest tower in Dubai.

Co-starring Denzel Washington as Senior FBI Agent Onyx Ebony and Jean Reno as French INTERPOL Agent François “Frenchy” Français.

As seen on Fun Time Internet.

NICK FURY: AGENT OF S.H.I.E.L.D Review on Fun Time Internet

My new review of NICK FURY: AGENT OF S.H.I.E.L.D (1998) is now online at Fun Time Internet.

To commemorate the theatrical release of Marvel’s The Avengers, I thought I’d take a look back to a time when Marvel’s movies were the proverbial red haired middle child compared to DC’s mega hit Superman (1978-1987) and Batman (1989-1997) franchises.

This low budget TV movie stars David Hasselhoff(?!) as the cynical cyclopean super spy. As a movie, it’s an utter failure. But as a backdoor pilot , its surprisingly successful. I wish we could’ve lived in a world where Hasselhoff fought neo-Nazi super villains every week on basic cable. But instead we got “Baywatch Nights.”

Check out my full review here.

Hot To Trot (1988)

Bobcat Goldthwait stars as – woah, let’s stop it right there! Whenever you come across a film synopsis that includes the phrase, “Bobcat Goldthwait stars”, you know you’re in for cinematic sucktitude. Sure he’s one of the better aspects of the Police Academy sequels, but that’s like saying being drugged is one of the better aspects of date rape. The man’s screechy/awkward/creepy act is barely tolerable in minor parts. With this starring role it gets stale faster than you can say “horse apples.” Continue reading

The Karate Dog (2005)

So there’s this talking dog named Cho Cho. And he knows martial arts for some reason. And his master is murdered by a ninja, who is secretly his master’s former student. And the dog teams up with a hapless cop to bring the killer to justice. The Karate Dog is further proof that there’s no limit to how low Hollywood will stoop (and scoop?) to profit off the exploitation of cute animals.

Cho Cho, the bereaved dog, is voiced by Chevy Chase, who you’d think by now would’ve learned the folly of playing a talking dog (See Oh Heavenly Dog). But by this pre-“Community” point in his career, he was probably desperate enough to do any movie in exchange for a cold sandwich and a hot shower. This is Chase’s first leading role since Vegas Vacation, which was only marginally better than Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie’s Island Adventure. Continue reading

Movie Pick of the Moment: NOTHING LASTS FOREVER (1984)

A whimsical tribute to young love, young artists, and the films of the 1930s, Nothing Lasts Forever could best be described as a friendlier version of Terry Gilliam’s Brazil (1984). Continue reading

Theodore Rex (1995)

Theodore Rex is a kid-friendly futuristic buddy cop comedy about a loose-cannon cop (Whoopi Goldberg in a skin-tight catsuit?!) who’s teamed up with a wisecracking dinosaur (?!) to solve a “dinocide” and save the earth from a mad billionaire’s scheme to wipe out all humanity by triggering a second Ice Age.

It’s basically Blade Runner with Barney. And Whoopi Goldberg. And fart jokes. Lots and lots of fart jokes. Even after two viewings it still blows my mind that a mainstream film this bizarre actually exists. Continue reading