The Gritty CARE BEARS Reboot You’ve All Been Waiting For!

Care Bears: Carepocalypse

Three billion human lives ended on August 29th, 2018. Not even Earth’s sworn protectors, the Care Bears, could quell the combined forces of Dr. Fright, Sour Sam, Cold Heart, and Dark Heart, under the leadership of No Heart. Those consumed by No Heart’s “Cloud of Uncaring” were transformed into mindless zombies, minions of the Dark Lord’s Army of Shadows. With no caring left in the world to power their tummy symbols, the few Care Bears that survived the War of Caring were forced into hibernation. The remaining Care Bear Cousins were cryogenically frozen with Cold Heart’s freezing machine and buried deep within the earth’s crust.

2059 A.D.. No Heart reigns supreme. All forms of caring are outlawed. The scattered remnants of humanity who still value caring live deep below the surface of the scorched Earth. The Care Bears are now regarded as myth and legend, the stuff of children’s stories. But one young freedom fighter (TRON Legacy’s Garrett Hedlund) unwittingly wakes the ursine saviors from their slumber… and they are pissed! Get ready for a lesson in caring!

Directed by Paul Verhoeven (RoboCop, Total Recall, Starship Troopers, Showgirls) and written by Alex Garland (28 Days Later, Sunshine, Halo). Featuring an all-star cast including Matt Damon as Tenderheart Bear, Jeff Bridges as Braveheart Lion, Mark Wahlberg as Champ Bear, Natalie Portman as Cheer Bear, Meryl Streep as Gramps Bear, Bill Murray as Grumpy Bear, Steve Buscemi as Beastly, Anne Hathaway as Shreeky, and Daniel Day-Lewis as No Heart.

As seen on Fun Time Internet


My Joke Pitch For A Fake JENGA Movie Makes More Sense Than The Real BATTLESHIP Movie

Jenga: The Movie

High rise construction sites across America are being destroyed by a growing underground criminal element. Hotshot FBI agent Billy Idaho (Chris Pine) is sent undercover to investigate. What he discovers is the most dangerous urban extreme sport since parkour… Jenga. The game’s participants sneak onto construction sites at night, commandeer cranes, and take turns removing a block (or beam) from the bottom (or middle) of the unfinished building and placing it on top—until the building collapses. Billy gains the trust of the most infamous band of thrill-seeking Jenga players, the “Block Busters”, headed by the charismatic Johnny Lawless (Val Kilmer). The FBI’s investigation starts to fall apart like so many Jenga blocks as Billy questions his loyalty to the agency while simultaneously falling for Johnny’s common-law wife Crystal Mystique (Jessica Biel). Meanwhile Johnny plans the most ambitious Jenga game yet at the construction site of the world’s tallest tower in Dubai.

Co-starring Denzel Washington as Senior FBI Agent Onyx Ebony and Jean Reno as French INTERPOL Agent François “Frenchy” Français.

As seen on Fun Time Internet.

Game of Death (1978) – Kung Fu Cash Grab

Originally posted on Fun Time Internet on June 9, 2009

I had sky-high expectations when I borrowed a battered VHS copy of this movie from my local public library. The ad copy on the tape case promised me the world— “swift and deadly kung fu revenge”, “[a] movie all Bruce Lee fans will want to see again and again.” But what really sold me were two words: “Chuck Norris.” I immediately scooped it up, mistaking it for Return of the Dragon, the only movie in which Lee and Norris officially co-star. Return famously features a 17-minute fight between Norris and Lee in the Roman Coliseum, widely regarded as one of the best martial arts duels in movie history. What I got instead was one of the most shamelessly bad cash-ins in movie history. Once again I’ve been foiled by ad copy! Continue reading

Cool As Ice (1991) – A Detailed Analysis

Originally posted on Fun Time Internet on April 19, 2009.

Tagline: “When a girl has a heart of stone, there’s only one way to melt it. Just add Ice.”

1991 was a big year for Vanilla Ice. His debut album To The Extreme was the best selling hip-hop album of all time. After dominating the early ’90s rap scene (a period I like to call the “Ice Age”) he set his sights on the silver screen. He famously freestyled the immortal “Ninja Rap” in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze. Not content to share the screen with a band of animatronic Muppets, the Ice-Man quickly followed this with Cool as Ice, a hip hop mashup of Rebel Without a Cause and Footloose. It was Ice’s first and, thankfully, last starring role.
Continue reading

Going Overboard (1989)

Originally posted on Fun Time Internet on April 3, 2009.

The only redeeming quality of Going Overboard AKA Babes Ahoy is that it bears the distinction of being Adam Sandler’s first starring role. Take that as you will. Continue reading