Rhinestone (1984) – ‘My Fair Rocky’

Some movies you just have to see to believe. And then there’s those you can’t believe even after you’ve seen ’em. You stagger around your mom’s basement in a stupor. Eyes bleeding, you scour the floor for empty rubbing alcohol bottles so you can reassure yourself that what you’ve just witnessed wasn’t real, that it only some horrible chemical induced hallucination. Rhinestone (1984), the story of how Dolly Parton trains Sylvester Stallone to be the next country music sensation, is one of those movies. It’s not a hallucination. It’s all too real.

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Starcrash (1978) – Guilty Pleasure or Misunderstood Masterpiece?

The evil Count Zarth Arn has secretly constructed the ultimate space weapon. The son of the Emperor of the Universe has mysteriously disappeared. And only sultry space smuggler Stella Star, her selectively psychic co-pilot, and a misogynist robot gunslinger with a Texan accent can save the day. No, seriously. I’m not making this up.

Luigi Cozzi’s Starcrash is more than just another Star Wars rip-off from the sci-fi boom of the ‘70s and ‘80s. It’s a quirky marriage of European and American pulp sensibilities. It’s a loving tribute to Barbarella, Ray Harryhausen, and the space adventure serials of the ‘30s. It’s an oft derided and misunderstood mini masterpiece of Euro-exploitation cinema. Continue reading

Death Bed: The Bed That Eats (1977)

I’ve seen some cinematic stinkers in my day. I’ve seen floating disembodied brains battle for world supremacy in The Brain from the Planet Arous. I’ve seen robots with human brains fight undead Mexicans in Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy. I’ve even seen something called Killer Condom. But I’ve never seen anything to prepare me for the surreal experience that is Death Bed: The Bed That Eats.

Yes, you read correctly. That’s the actual title to an actual film. It’s not just a Patton Oswalt comedy routine. Although I wish it was. Someone actually thought this was a worthwhile idea for a movie. That visionary man is George Barry.

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The Conqueror (1956) – Genghis Khan’t

Originally posted on Fun Time Internet on May 13, 2009.

The Conqueror recounts the epic tale of Temujin, a 12th-century Mongol warlord, and his rise to power to become Genghis Khan, ruler of the largest land empire in history. The film is shot in glorious Technicolor and breathtaking panoramic CinemaScope. The action is rousing. The soundtrack is suitably sweeping. The screenplay is full of Shakespearean dialogue. The lead male and female actors are both Oscar winners at the peak of their careers.

With all these things going for it, how could this film not be a critical and financial success? I’ve got five words for ya:

JOHN WAYNE IS GENGHIS KHAN!

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